i <3 mexicans
so. last day at legoland was today. i have to go back tomorrow and turn in my uniform. i'm also going to go and use my employee discount and buy lego stuff. sorry eric, you only get a R2D2 lego keychain. and the only thing i found as far as pink legos go is a lego shaped box that is pink. so...i'm still thinking about that for andrea. i might just get the pink lego on the keychain for her though...they're the same price. ha! so lame. alisha...i'm still thinking about. don't worry you two. you'll get something good. as for the rest of you....no one said anything, so if i don't get you anything...it's your own fault. anyways...

going home on wednesday, because i got bumped. i get in at 6am tursday morning. yay for red eyes. there's a book i was told to read...it's a graphic novel i think...or written by someon who does graphic novels. on the apocallypse. it sounds good. i'm getting that and the crow to read during the 6 hour flight. i finished harry potter in record time. predictable...yes. but i was hoping that the obvious wouldn't actually happen because...well, it was obvious. still good though. i think i like harry potter books too much for my own good. i have a thing for fantasy novels, and series books. it's horrible. i think i might start reading the mayfair witch series(or whatever it is) by anne rice soon. apparently, it ties into the vampire chronicles...hopefully it will be better than the violin. i was very disappointed in it. especially after it got such rave reviews by someone who's opinion i trust and value. i think when it comes to movies and literature though, i should go by more of what joe likes. it tends to hold my interest far longer.(as of late anyways. i don't know why rice's books have begun to disinterest me. perhaps it's because they remind me of him...and thise memories are still far too painful to dig up. even at this point.)

i'm worried about going home. there are far too many people who want to see me...and all for far too similar reasons. it makes me feel really...slutty. or easy, or whatever...but *shrug* i dunno. i think i want to be single for a while. i'll go up to canada for a few days. see kym. (*dies* soooo looking forward to that...and for more than just sexual reasons. kym makes me feel loved. and i think right now i need someone who'll hold me and make me feel safe and wanted, but at the same time, i don't have to commit, or worry about feelings on either part. i think i'm just going to shut that part off. it causes too much pain. and not just for me. it causes me to screw up way too many things...) and then when i come back, i should just try to focus on school, art and maintainting friendships. i should also, try to keep it down to ONE friends with benefits type thing. before i left the whole thing was getting muddled. trying to bury your regrets and forget your mistakes in stuff like that...is not good. it just makes you feel worse.

my apartment is going to look like a glamourous crack apartment. futon mattress on the floor...shelves with very little on them...clothes in a box, still unpacked...make up on the floor next to a mirror that has yet to be hung...so far...that's what i got. and it sucks. also...apparently, there are new rules. only one visitor, and only on fridays and saturdays. i'm not signing the lease, and i'm looking for a roommate and a new apartment ASAP. so if you know anyone...or anywhere...let me know.

last day of work...and the one guy that i was kind of hoping would start something earlier on...gave me his number and his email. so we can "keep in touch" i don't know how long that will last, but i really wish he'd done it a lot sooner. i had a dream the other night that he was whispering sweet little spanish nothings into my ear...too many sexual dreams(not just about him, but in general) have been happening lately. i'm repressed and i need someone to fix this...someone who won't attach a wedding ring to the condom, or get ready to leave as they cum. someone who won't judge. someone who won't try to bring someone else into bed with him. and preferably not a stranger. someone who expects nothing, but doesn't act like it. someone i can call more than once. FUCK.

i don't know what i want at this point. i've been thinking about it. why would i want to start anything with Luis anyways? it would have been a summer thing, and that would ahve been it. and i don't think i ever really wanted that. i don't want marriage(otherwise i'd have gone for Jordan a year ago when he FIRST asked me out, instead of hemming and hawwing, fantasizing about Marius, fucking around with Dan, then whatever you want to call the trainwreck that Joe and i were.) that much is obvious. but i don't want a once in a while thing(otherwise i'd be perfectly contented with Ken's periodic emails and having a great fuck every once in a while would keep me pleased.) and i don't want a joe thing either. if i get attached, i want someone who will get equally attached to me. what i don't understand is why they all act like they want me when i want nothing to do with them, and then as soon as i show interest, they disappear. i don't want that either. i don't know what my point was, or what i'm thinking. i don't know what i want. do i ever? all i know is that i haven't been good and kissed in a long time. and i miss the cloudiness in my head that spreads into a tingling in my toes and fingertips. i miss the simplicity of a touch. a caress more so. i miss the passion that comes with a night of sweaty sex, and the lazy morning afterwards. i miss waking up to someone in my bed. i miss watching them sleep...moreso waking up to find that they were watching you. i want all that...but i don't want the drama that usually ensues. and the worst part. i know i'm the one that creates most of the drama that follows every great thing that has ever happened to me. i fuck it up. maybe it's because i'm afraid of having something work out for once. maybe i'm afraid of real true committment so i seek out those that are incapable, and then i can blame it on them when it goes wrong to ease my concience. all i know is that since sunday, i've realized just how alone i am. how alone a lot of people are. and i wonder, is maybe, there is no way to really be close to someone in the way that i've been trying for. and the only way is to fake it. pretend that you have the perfect relationship, when really, they call you names and hit you behind closed doors. maybe...things are never really "ok" and things are always shitty. it's just how you spend the inbetween times. maybe living an illusion is standard, and i should just accept that and move on. maybe this is as good as it gets. or i already found mine, and it's never going to be as good as it once was.

after these last two posts, i don't know if i want to post everything that i have on my laptop when i get home. maybe i will...just to lighten the mood. maybe not. i don't know if my point is valid anymore. whatever it was.